So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
