She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
