Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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