PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize