I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
