chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
thus making me awesome and them whores
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
