Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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