hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
