Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
