needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
