my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
