My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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