Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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