It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize