Don't make out with my wife yet
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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