Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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