i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
