new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
