I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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