I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
