mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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