You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
