Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
