Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
