I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
