After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
