By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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