I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
