Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
