i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
