Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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