I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
