Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
