a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
