Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
