Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
