I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
