someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
