If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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