I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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