: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
