i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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