Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The feeling are messing with the penis
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
