last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
