I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
