Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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