In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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