dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
