Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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