i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
