The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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