i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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