A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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