haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
