Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
