dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize