She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
