I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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