i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
